


i have died everyday (waiting for you)

by forbiddenquill



Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: BECAUSE ITS ONLY 3 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE NEW CHAPTER!!!!, Chapter 40 au, F/F, dont kill me clexa fandom, my pov on how i want things to go lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 12:38:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15291699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/pseuds/forbiddenquill
Summary: “The point is, I won’t back down!” Yuzu stated firmly, even though her face was falling apart the more she spoke, “I won’t give up, not unless you tell me that you don’t love me or that you don’t want to see me ever again.”Mei’s lower lip quivered. Tears had pooled around her eyes. She impatiently wiped them away.“I—I can’t say that,” she finally managed to mumble.(or: Yuzu calls and Mei's resolve breaks.)(a Chapter 40 AU)





	i have died everyday (waiting for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri, which I found very fitting for the couple. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

 

> "Burn all the dictionaries, tear up the tired metaphors and tell the poets to go to hell. For you are the true definition of love. The only one I shall ever need."
> 
> -Michael Faudet 
> 
>  

Seeing Yuzu at school today had left Mei with all of the unwanted feelings she had been shielding herself from. It was as if her heart and brain were in a constant struggle, wrestling with each other to get the upper hand. On some days, her heart prevailed and she would often find herself walking by their old apartment, in the hopes that she might stumble across Yuzu—in the hopes that she could tell her, painfully so, how much she missed and loved her and regretted every decision that she has ever made so far but—she didn’t. When there were days where her brain was stronger, Mei trapped herself in the student council room or sometimes in her own bedroom (especially since her grandfather had recovered from his heart attack) working on paperwork that she could’ve easily handed to Himeko or staring at the ceiling all night long and hoping that the emptiness would swallow her whole but—it didn’t.

Nothing had felt right the minute she left the apartment—the second she left Yuzu working on her summer homework and never came back. It was such a cowardly decision, one she regretted but was glad that she made anyway. She didn’t think she could bear to see Yuzu’s face, unabashedly beautiful and _always_ loving, fall apart once she realized what Mei was about to do. It was a coward’s decision but it was also the right one.

That morning, her heart had prevailed. Against her better judgement, she had waited for Yuzu to come out during lunch to reprimand Matsuri for crossing the school borders _again_ (Mei had left the job to Himeko, but the girl had heavier loads of job in monitoring the students since Mei didn’t want the chance to come across Yuzu) and once she spotted Harumin and Yuzu running across the field to meet with Matsuri and Nene, it felt like the walls around Mei’s heart had fallen apart. Yuzu had that kind of effect on her. Her green eyes always knew that something was wrong and even though she had a difficult time understanding Mei, it was obvious that she would still try to. It was one of the many things that Mei lov— _admired_ about her step-sister.

Even from where she was situated at one of the top floors of the school, Mei had clearly seen the brave smile Yuzu always wore whenever she tried to pretend that she was fine or whenever she pretended like she wasn’t seconds away from bursting into tears. Mei hated to see it but she couldn’t help but think of how adorable Yuzu always looked whenever she wore that smile. The four girls had seemed to be arguing about something and Mei had allowed herself a moment of her rather busy time to peer against the windowsill, fingers pressed against the glass, drinking the sight of Yuzu in the daylight—where she obviously belonged, like she was the source of all goodness and happiness in this rather dull, cruel world—

Until Harumin had glanced up and caught her staring.

Now, she was sitting in her bedroom back at the Aihara mansion, hand clutched tightly against her chest, where her necklace lay. The back of her eyes burned but no tears came out. She had done her fair share of crying the first night she was back here and couldn’t fall asleep because there was no warmth from Yuzu comforting her. The room was dark. She barely turned the lights on, except to change. Even when she was working, she depended on her nightlight. The light always reminded her of Yuzu, even though it was mundane and frankly, _weak_ to think so. But nowadays, everything reminded her of Yuzu. Like mornings, baths, breakfast, bentos, dinner, homework, school, Himeko, Grandfather, father, mother, _Yuzu_ …

The ache had dulled but she felt it, even on the easier days, bearable and small, but still _there_.

She was thinking about standing up to change so that she could sleep the longing and nostalgia off when she caught sight of the telephone in her room. It was there for emergencies, when Grandfather needed to call her or when there were some business calls to attend to. During the first few days of her return, Mei had wanted to call Yuzu’s cellphone just to hear her voice again (she didn’t spend all her free time memorizing her number for _nothing_.) But she stopped herself. Hearing Yuzu’s voice would be like _seeing_ her again. And she promised in her letter that she would stay as far away from Yuzu as possible, if she were to keep her resolve unbroken.

Tonight, however—

 _No_ , Mei scolded herself, standing up to face the window, _you will not break her heart again._

But—somebody else had other plans.

The phone rang out of nowhere, startling her. Her heart jumped to her throat. If anybody could see her now, they’d be laughing at the look of shock that had passed through her features. Like a phone call at 8 in the evening was so strange for high school girls. Maybe for her, though. She approached warily, cooling her features and reprimanding her thoughts for thinking that it would be Yuzu—sweet, honest, _loving_ Yuzu who had called to tell her that _screw that letter, come back home please_.

It couldn’t be her.

Even with the phone pressed against her ear, Mei wouldn’t be an idiot and get her hopes up.

Even when the person on the other hand said, “ _Mei_?” Mei wouldn’t feel her heart thrashing wildly in her chest.

Even when that voice clearly belonged to Yuzu, Mei wouldn’t believe that it was, in fact, _her_.

“Mei, is that you?”

“ _Yuzu_ ,” Mei breathed out, her hand shooting out to hold the ring around her neck. In a fraction of a second, her entire resolve _broke_. Tears stung the back of her eyes. Her heart rate quickened. Her lungs stopped working. The room suddenly became _warmer_. It felt like somebody had shot her in the back and left her bleeding and injured, but she could still feel how _alive_ she was, how wonderfully and beautifully alive she still was.  

And how she had made the biggest mistake of her life—walking out on Yuzu who reminded her of being alive.

It hurt to hear her voice but it was worth it. What hurt more was the countless days and months of not seeing her, of not holding her, of not kissing her. In that one fraction of a second, Mei felt as if she had broken the surface of the ocean and breathed the first bursts of fresh air in _years_.

“Why are you—?” Mei struggled to say but she found that her voice shook.

“Calling you?” Yuzu supplied, sounding sheepish and tearful at the same time. It wasn’t hard to imagine where she could be—back in their shared bedroom with the lights turned on, sitting in the middle of their bed, wearing her school uniform, sad but still beautiful…

“Yes,” Mei replied curtly, her feelings still out of control. She had no idea how to feel. She wanted to be angry, happy, distressed and a few other things. But all she felt as a serene kind of _relief._ As if hearing Yuzu’s voice was the only thing she had been waiting for the past few months.

“Harumin-san saw you today,” Yuzu said by explanation, “and uhm—I just—I guess I wanted to…” Her trail of thought ended and Mei found herself wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.

“We shouldn’t be talking,” Mei said strictly, remembering where she was, what they were doing, who she was.

There was silence on the other end. Yuzu sighed and it pained Mei to hear it. The raven-haired girl leaned against the bedside table, clutching the wooden edges and feeling her knees wobble when Yuzu spoke again, “I could go home but I’m kind of outside your apartment now and I’m starving and cold and I really, really want to see you, even though you told me that we shouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.”

“Yuzu—”

“I’m serious, please look out your window.”

Mei did. Her heart did another somersault when she found Yuzu standing directly below her window, separated only by the gates that marked the Aihara mansion. She was out of her school uniform, wearing a fluffy lavender hoodie that matched her blonde hair and blue skinny jeans with a small pink purse swung over her right shoulder. She was looking straight at Mei’s window, her phone still pressed against her ear and when she saw Mei’s reflection on the other side, the brightest smile burst forth her features. Like Mei hadn’t broken her heart a few months ago.

“Will you walk with me?” Yuzu asked on the phone, her eyes trained on Mei’s.

Mei gripped the telephone tightly. “Yuzu—” she started to say, even though her heart longed to be with the other girl.

“Just for twenty minutes,” the blonde added quickly, knowing the signs of rejection about to come out from Mei’s lips, “Walk with me for twenty minutes and it’ll be the end of that.”

It was _stupid_. Beyond stupid, in fact. Grandfather could hear coming down the stairs. Somebody might see them. Mei might actually not come back to the mansion if she went along with Yuzu. It was _so_ stupid to agree to it. And yet, Mei did. She told Yuzu that she’d have to change out of her uniform before ending the call, telling herself that it would be _just_ a walk and nothing more. The more she wasn’t with Yuzu at this moment, the more she wanted to embrace the second she got out of the mansion. But _no_ , she restrained herself from the thought process. If a walk was what Yuzu needed to stay away from her then Mei would oblige.

(Some part of her knew that she was lying. She wanted to see Yuzu just as much Yuzu wanted to see her.)

Thankfully, her grandfather was sound asleep in his room when Mei stepped out of the gates. Yuzu was leaning against the wall opposite the large home, her hands shoved into the pockets of her jacket. Her blonde hair, upon closer inspection, was braided into a single tail and her lips, usually blossomed with pink or red gloss, was devoid of any shade. She looked like the Yuzu Mei always saw every after classes, the one without the make-up, hair products or lipstick, the simple Yuzu, not the delinquent one, the one who asked Mei for kisses every single day and was still content not getting one.

The Yuzu Mei fell for— _hard_.

“Hey.” Yuzu moved towards her, hands still shoved in her jacket. Mei could tell that she was nervous. She was practically shaking and it was obviously not from the cold. Her cheeks were red. Mei was pretty sure hers were as well.

“Hello,” Mei replied, her hands rolling into fists by her sides. It was taking her entire willpower not to reach forward to embrace her stepsister. Or even touch her for that matter.

Yuzu must’ve sensed this turmoil because she stopped shaking for a second. She hesitated, like she wanted to say something, but changed her mind halfway through. Instead, she started to lead the way, moving her head to the side to silently ask Mei if she was coming along. Mei glanced back at the mansion before sighing and coming along with her.

During the first few minutes of their walk, Yuzu could barely look at Mei. It was as if they were pretending that the other person didn’t exist. Maybe it was purely nerves. They haven’t seen each other for month, after all. And even though Mei swore to herself that she would never forget Yuzu’s shampoo or her perfume, it was getting harder to remember what they smelled like. Except now—she _could_ smell it. This wasn’t some dream or illusion. Yuzu was walking right beside her, a meter of space separating them from each other. It would be so easy to push her up against the wall and kiss her—to make up for the long months they’ve spent apart.

But Mei didn’t.

The streets were empty in this part of the neighborhood. She glanced at Yuzu when they passed by a convenience store, since it was practically the only thing that was open in their street. But Yuzu’s eyes were on somewhere else—a lonely bus stop situated a few feet away. The streetlight standing above it was off. Maybe it was broken? Yuzu glanced back at her stepsister and their eyes met.

(Mei’s heart jumped painfully in her throat.)

“Do you mind if we sit down?” the older girl asked, forcing a bright smile on her face, “I was just with Harumin earlier and my feet are killing me.”

Mei nodded, following suit. The night was cold and dark. Not a single soul passed by. Yuzu still had her hands firmly fitted inside her jacket. They both sat down, still sitting quite a distance away, and Mei let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in. It was strange to be with Yuzu and _not_ be with her at the same time. It was as if she was holding a snowflake in her hands, wonderful in every essence but never meant to be held for too long.

“Yuzu, I—” she began to say but Yuzu interrupted her,

“Do you remember that one time the bus didn’t come?”

Mei faltered. She did. It was the also the first night they held hands. The few days after her father had left for another country, Mei had to tiptoe around Yuzu. She felt guilty for making the other girl confused with her out-of-nowhere kisses but was still grateful for the feat with her father. That was beginning of her slowly accepting her feelings towards the other girl. Not just as a stepsister but as a _friend_. Maybe even something more.

“Yes,” Mei answered quickly when she realized that Yuzu wasn’t looking at her.

“That was over a year ago,” Yuzu continued, smiling sadly at the ground where her feet met with the pavement, “Before Matsuri warmed up to you. How time flies, right? You know, I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was _so_ nervous. We weren’t anything back then. Well, we were sisters, of course. But…that night, when I asked if we could hold hands, it made everything clear to me.”

Mei was listening intently now. She didn’t want to break Yuzu’s reverie. For some reason, she felt like a very important event was taking place right now. This simply wasn’t _just_ a walk. Yuzu wanted to say something and Mei had to hear her out. She owed that to her.

“I realized then what I realize now,” Yuzu said, finally looking back at her. The sharp movement made Mei’s heart shake violently in her chest and she could barely think of anything else to say, much less respond.

“And what is that, Yuzu?” she managed to whisper.

Yuzu’s cheeks flared. Her green eyes were sharp and determined, her lips set in a straight line, her chin raised defiantly, as if to counter any argument that could possibly come out of Mei’s mouth. She aligned her body so that she was fully facing Mei and even though her eyes were still full of love and longing, Mei could sense a little bit of fear among the strong emotions. The raven-haired girl held her breath as Yuzu leaned forward.

“I love you,” she confessed and the words crushed whatever was left of Mei’s resolve. She let out the breath she’d been holding in and watched as Yuzu bit her lip. Her eyes were wide, as if she hadn’t realized the gravity of her own words. Like she hadn’t realized just how badly Mei wanted to hear her say those words out loud.

“Yuzu, _please_ ,” Mei whispered, tear stinging the back of her eyes. Yuzu’s were already starting to wet as well.

“You can run away from me, hide from me, or marry somebody else just to not be with me,” Yuzu began, her voice shaking as the tears fell from her eyes. She was always a crier. Seeing her cry always surprised Mei, who hadn’t cried in front of another person, except for Yuzu, but seeing her sob now just made her sadder; “but you can’t make me _unlove_ you, even though I wish you could sometimes. I don’t want to stop loving you, Mei. Ever since you kissed me, you’re all that I could think about and ever since you left, you haven’t left my mind even for a single day.”

Mei didn’t say anything. She was speechless. Yuzu furiously wiped away her tears with her right hand, her shoulders shaking.

“When you left that letter for me to read,” she began again, her words fumbling altogether, “I wanted to respect your decision. I stepped away from you. I let you go. But when Sara and Nina visited, I remembered our trip to Kyoto and how I hated the thought of you being with somebody else. I hated not being able to talk to you. I hated not being able to kiss you. I hated not being able to touch you. But now, I got the same courage I had to tell you how I felt when I cornered you at the bridge.”

In Mei’s head, she could remember all the scenes that Yuzu was describing. She remembered every single emotion she felt back then. When she wrote that letter. When she agreed to date Sara. When she heard Yuzu’s confession for the very first time. Back then, she believed herself to be selfish. For ignoring her feelings and entertaining them at the same time. She was no ordinary girl. She was the heir to the Aihara name. She knew and understood the consequences of being with Yuzu and yet, she did them anyway.

If only she had said no back then…

“The point is, I won’t back down!” Yuzu stated firmly, even though her face was falling apart the more she spoke, “I won’t give up, not unless you tell me that you don’t love me or that you don’t want to see me ever again.”

Mei’s lower lip quivered. Tears had pooled around her eyes. She impatiently wiped them away.

“I—I can’t say that,” she finally managed to mumble.

Yuzu raised her face to look directly into her eyes, hope blossoming across her features. Mei held her stare, even though it ached to do so.

“I can’t tell you that I don’t love you because I do,” she confessed, hating herself, hating the situation, hating the family name that held them apart. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, forcing her thoughts about the upcoming marriage away from her head. Her shoulders were shaking from trying to hold back her tears but soon enough, she felt them rolling down her cheeks. “I can’t tell you that I don’t want to see you, because I do,” she added pathetically, looking away from Yuzu. “I’m so sorry.”

She tried to breathe in and out easily. It seemed to work. She was starting to calm down now. But then, she felt Yuzu’s fingers tracing her chin, felt Yuzu’s breath against her face, felt Yuzu’s hand moving her face back so that they were facing each other again. They were so close—Mei could practically taste Yuzu’s lips. Green eyes stared deep into her own.

Then Yuzu embraced her, burying her face into Mei’s chest and squeezing so tight that the younger girl could hardly breathe. It didn’t matter. It felt like electricity, in fact. They’ve been apart for so long that it felt like Mei was being electrocuted back to life. She sighed again, her arms circling around Yuzu’s back as she perched her chin on top of Yuzu’s head.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered.

“I’ve missed you too,” mumbled the blonde.

They stayed in that position for a few minutes, promises of a simple twenty-minute walk being thrown out of Mei’s thoughts. The heat from Yuzu’s body was warming her and she ached to spend another night with her, under the covers of their shared bed, their hands intertwined. But she knew that asking for those things would nearly be impossible in the situation that they found themselves in and yet, she still silently asked for it.

“You broke my resolve the second I heard your voice,” Mei mused quietly, feeling Yuzu’s tears against her shirt, “I thought it’d be best if we didn’t see each other. Perhaps I was wrong.”

“You were,” Yuzu cried, gripping Mei’s arms tightly, “You didn’t even say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You said you’d come back. I finished my homework so that we could spend time that summer.”

Mei’s heart broke. She wondered if her stepsister could hear it.

“I’m sorry,” was all that she could say, her tears silently dropping against Yuzu’s hair.

“You told me it was okay to love you,” Yuzu whined again.

The raven-haired girl nodded furiously, even though Yuzu couldn’t see. Nothing mattered anymore. In this moment right here, all that mattered was Yuzu, hugging her to the point that it felt like she wouldn’t let go anymore. Mei bent down and pressed her lips on Yuzu’s crown, squeezing her eyes tight as more tears cascaded down her cheeks. It hurt to be with her. It always did. But it hurt to be without.

The silence was consuming. Mei held Yuzu for as long as she could. When her back started to ache from the position, she tapped Yuzu so that she could let go. Begrudgingly doing so, Yuzu fell back in her previous seat, her eyes swollen and her cheeks crimson.

Mei tried to smile, even though she failed.

“Sometimes,” she tried to say, her eyes still stinging with unshed tears, “I wish we hadn’t met. Maybe this would’ve been easier for the two of us—”

“Don’t say that,” Yuzu fiercely said, her voice harsh, “I wished that too, a long time ago. But I don’t think that anymore. I’m glad to be your stepsister, Mei, and I’m glad to have loved you for the little time that we had.”

Mei closed her eyes and shook her head. “I should be the one thanking you.”

There was a moment of silence. Mei was thinking of the first time they held hands and how surprisingly warm Yuzu had felt back then, in the middle of the cold, dreaded nowhere. The need to hold her hand suddenly overwhelmed her and when Mei opened her eyes to turn back to her stepsister, all of her thoughts suddenly blanked out.

Because sitting before her was Yuzu, holding what looked to be an engagement ring in her hands.

Mei’s mouth dropped. She felt for the ring around her neck, bewildered and shocked to be seeing this image for the second time.

“Yuzu,” she began, unsure of what to say, even though her heart was thundering loudly inside her chest. This was probably the loudest heartbeat she had ever felt in her lifetime.

“I told you that I wouldn’t give up,” Yuzu said, blushing furiously as she pushed the ring towards Mei, who was frozen. So this was the reason why Yuzu looked so nervous earlier and why she kept her hands firmly inside her pockets, “and this is my only chance to ask you before you get married to somebody else. We’ve only known each other for over a year but Mei, I love you. You are my first love and I may be stupid and rash for doing this but I’m doing it because I want to.”

There was a pause. Mei held her breath.

“Will you marry me?” Yuzu asked, squeezing her eyes shut and waiting for the rejection.

None came.

Mei slid closer. She was acting purely by both heart and head now. She took the ring from Yuzu’s fingers and tapped her chin so that they were eye-to-eye. When Yuzu’s face turned beet red again, Mei leaned forward and kissed her. If the hug earlier had electrocuted Mei back into life, then this kiss had enough power to _give_ life. Yuzu’s lips tasted the same as before, sweet and soft. Like tasting strawberry ice cream for the first time. Both girls closed their eyes to revel in the kiss, opening their mouths wider and exchanging warmth, love and passion between their lips. Mei’s heart had slowed down to a heavy thrum but she still felt every beat of it within her bones. She was hyperaware of everything, how the ring felt so _solid_ in her fingers, how Yuzu’s hands were clutching at her shirt, how their knees were touching.

When they broke apart, Mei leaned her forehead against Yuzu’s.

“Does that answer your question?” she timidly asked as she leaned back to look at the accessory. It was a beautiful silver ring with thee small diamond stones engraved in the middle. It was stupid to say yes but her resolve had been broken already. Might as well break it some more.  

Yuzu wore her flustered face again. “That’s actually another ring that I bought earlier with Harumin,” she said, taking it from Mei’s hands and slowly inserting it into her ring finger, “Don’t ask how much it cost, okay?” It fit perfectly.

“I’m wearing the other one,” Mei said, feeling more tears sting the back of her eyes when she remembered the first time she had received the gift. She reached behind her neck to unclasp the necklace, sliding the ring that Yuzu had given a few months back off its chain before grabbing a hold of Yuzu’s hand and asking, “Will you marry me, Yuzu?”

Yuzu’s dumbfounded expression was enough to make Mei want to retract the question. But a second later, Yuzu’s face lit up and she threw her arms around Mei’s neck, saying, “ _Of course_ , you idiot!” They both laughed, Yuzu’s a bit louder than Mei’s quiet giggle. And even though they had spent the past few months apart, it felt like no time had passed at all. Of course, Mei would come to face the consequences of her decision later on but it would not mean that she regretted it.

Besides, maybe taking over a school was not the only thing she was good at…

“Come on,” Mei interjected, getting up to her feet and pulling Yuzu along, “I have still yet to listen to your stories from when we were apart.”

Yuzu was too busy admiring the now engagement ring, even though she was the one who had bought it. Mei made a mental note to buy her a real one, once the fuss of this whole thing died down. IF Grandfather wouldn’t approve, then so be it. She _was_ still an Aihara.

When Yuzu still didn’t move, Mei sighed and leaned down to peck her lightly on the cheek. That brought about Yuzu’s attention towards her again, her cheeks turning another bright color of red.

“You’ll have the rest of our time together to admire the ring,” Mei said nonchalantly, reaching for Yuzu’s hand, where their rings touched, “but for now, enjoy the peace you’ll have with your fiancée before she has to get back.”

The word _fiancée_ made Yuzu blush again. “O-okay!” she stuttered, staggering up to her feet and following Mei to wherever she wanted to. If it was to the ends of the earth, then Yuzu would do so, if Mei asked.

But for now, they enjoyed the rest of their walk.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> This might be the only fic I'll write about Citrus but if the next chapter is juicy af, I might write a few more. This is teh only couple that has managed to get me out of my writing block. I love them so much! And I really hope that we'll get a happy ending in the last chapter, even though I am fairly new to the fandom. Besides, we still have the anime to look forward to. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, stranger! Kudos to you!


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